Session 5 - Dreams

Good morning! Yes, I’m fine, thank you. A little tired, but- well you see, I didn’t get much sleep last night. No, there isn’t anything wrong, I just well yes. I had a, what is it? Like a, a picture, but I was in it, and things happened? But I was asleep.

A dream.

I was on a road, and- what kind? Is that important? Lady Doctor is- oh you’re still talking going on about that? I thought we had left that in the- Okay well, as it is you and yes, you have used Trust and have let me sit in my own room with no “restraints”- heh, yes, like that, good – so I will do my best. For you. Your name is, uh, ah- hmm. Clay Rice. Oh, it isn’t? Like, just ram them together, just like that? Clarice.

That is a pretty name. Has its origins in “clarus”, meaning bright, or, or clear? Yes, clear. Yes. I used to read a lot you know. You know, back then. Before. Before- you are welcome, La- ahem, Clarice.

My Dream: I was on a road, and it was made of a grey, like, hard, oh, stone. Stone road. It was night time, but the stars were strange. I don’t know, just… Too high? No, that sounds silly. But, different. I was walking and I knew I had to go somewhere- there was a cart, see, like a big… Cart. And there was a man. He told me things. Signs, he said. Signs everywhere, and, and- yes? What kind? Oh, my picture of the squirrel I saw? Yes.

The littlest bones.

Do I? I don’t know. Heh, no, I haven’t done anything like that. Yes, I know why I am here, but- no well, see I have explained all this before. I know it doesn’t make sense. But you do not see. Yes, that is what I think. I- hm.

I died yesterday. I see you are writing this down.

I don’t know either. I know; it seems crazy doesn’t it? I was in the desert, and- yes, the uh, all red dust. Hot. There was a small man, he was wearing a dress- is that the right word? A man’s dress. Kilt? Robe. He had a robe on, and he was green, and smelt like feet and burnt rubber bands. He had a pet dog. But it was an ugly dog. I was talking in a Calm and Considerate Manner to another small man with a beard and he killed me. I died. What happened? I was somewhere else. Then, I… Wasn’t. Clarice, my head hurts. I’m not sure that- yes, I would like to finish. Yes. I am sure.

Perhaps I should- oh, my pictures? Yes, I drew my dream. It is in my room.

You can Trust me, Clarice. I will just try the door. Hmm. Should uh- what? Oh nothing, nothing. Maybe I should hmm. Could I- no, it’s coming. It is coming I can feel it. The Signs. Yes.

This is not me doing this it is not me the door is unlocked and I will be-

<The subject was relaxed at this point and the session terminated>

Session 4 - Friends

It's bright in here. You know, bright, like a, thing. A what? I'm not sure; I am having a little trouble thinking of something that is bright and not the sun. Use your imaginations.

My head feels funny, could be from the- yes, the brace. It's a little tight, Lady Doctor, perhaps someone could possibly... Or perhaps not. Oh, uh, Lady Doctor is shaking her head, I have taken on board that this means that there is no possibility at all.

I miss my arms. I mean, well, I still have them, but since my last session where I just tried to help, actually, but- well I did, it's just that they move too fast; I scare easily. Yes I do. I do. Anyway, since my last session my arms have been, okay, just keep doing what you're doing writing-things-down-person, I will just raise my eyebrows "like this"- yes, yes you've got it! Great. Yeah, my arms have been “mechanically restrained” for my safety- oh, not my safety? Then who- ah, "everyone's".

They have stopped my Day Release and my Probation Officer has now resigned on "medical grounds". I will miss it; the flowers, and the uh, small, fluffy things?

That's right, I saw a squirrel once.

I drew a picture of him.

You know what? I'm not sure if this is the right time I- well, it looks like it is the right time as these restraints are on a time lock, says Lady Doctor. So uh, yes. What was I supposed to talk about? Ah.

Friends.

I have made friends. They were in a Bar, called the Blue, Blue Something. I went in there and- oh wait, no, you see, during my group therapy they said that Drink is a Mocker and I should Stay Away, and though there was a, a small, but not small- bald, but a big beard, smells like- dwarf, there who offered me Temptation I just said "No Thanks"- yeah just like the wall chart exactly.

His name? Oh, eh, rurr, rurr, yes I'm getting there, Rurr-agg. I guess it doesn't matter, it's just that- It's fine, really. No, it is fine. It's fine.

No I- Lady Doctor believes that I have a Problem With Personal Relationship Building which allows me to Disassociate My Victims. Lady Doctor- I know that's not your real name, silly. I just don't want to say it here- no I don't think- stop it you are making my teeth hurt you're actually you know what?

Fine! I have a problem building relationships! There I said it! I hope you're happy, as now I am Sad. It's just that, you know I- good? Oh, that's good, everybody! I have "done well". Oh, the young people are writing this down. Yes, it's only one Gee in my name. You're welcome.

What's that? Oh, Day Release has been good? I'm glad you think so Lady Doctor, could I- Hooray! Oh no I don't want to stop rocking in my restraints this is amazing i am elated and oh my wooor-

Ow! The gurney fell and it's broken! Ooh, my arms, it's so good to be free in- such noise everyone! What's wrong? Come here, tell me what the-

<the subject was relaxed at this point and session terminated>

As it benefits psychology graduates to be exposed to elements of Fidget's life, the aforementioned drawing of the squirrel he saw has been included below.

Session 3 - Transfers

This is a wrong place. I don't mean that, what is it? Different.

Are you getting this down? I'm not sure if you're aware of the- Oh you are? Great. Great. The finger thing, too right? How nice. That's nice.

I have moved house! I'm here in a new city which is grey and blue and has flags on it. Now and- I don't think we need to go into that in agonising detail, really. I don't believe that it would be beneficial for me- Oh you do? Well, okay then, new doctor.

See, the funny thing, the funny thing about this place is that, you know, that there are lots of people watching me now. Not moving. Just looking. Stop that, with your eyes. Is there something on my jacket? Oh, I see, okay I see now. Basically, right, those other ones who aren't my new doctor, my probation officer, sorry about the arm by the way, the nurse who pushes the trolley, and my seven new friends that are there "for my protection" are- hey, you are good at this, new writing-things-down-person. What is your name? I am Fidget.

Do you like animals, I'm Not Allowed To Tell You? I do, my favourite one is- Oh you're right, I got distracted. There are new people here, and the room I am in is shiny, and white. Like white tile. And these gurneys you have are much kinder on my arms, so thank you. I have been learning about manners and oh yeah. There are new people here. My new doctor says that they want to learn about me, which makes me Blush. There isn't much to say, really, new people, so...

Are you writing things down? I thought only I'm Not Allowed To Tell You is allowed to. "Making notes"? Like music? They must be clever. No, I'm not just being obtuse, thank you; this is a new place and I am still learning.

I am here because my heart was broken. And in my grief I went down the Path. The Path was dark and scary and made me 'act out' and I- Yes, I am getting to that, and- no, I am going to tell you how I feel. I felt that- why are you behind a window? I don't smell that bad, do I? Eh? Eh? See, that was a joke. You're writing that down, are you? Credit me with that, okay? I saw one of you smile, and now, as a healthy person, I will smile back.

Oh, you seem to have stopped smiling. Aaaand you're being led away. It's okay, it's okay; shh, shh.
Dry those eyes, dry those glassy, terrified eyes. Those eyes, a pearlescent window to your quailing soul.

Those eyes... Shh, shh.

I have been told to avoid this trail of thought "Or Else". I believe this to be sensible.

But serious times now, everyone. It used to be just reaching distance, and you guys hardly know me.  Is it because of what happened in... Yes, okay, I understand. I'd just to be kept abreast of these things in future. Can I get back back to my new house story?

What do I mean by 'act out'? You were there, Probation Officer That's Confidential, you saw the- I know, and the- Oh, for "evidence?" Is this about the conversation you had with my new doctor? I mean "too afraid to execute him" was a bit strong- Yes I did hear that, and the old doctor wasn't that bad, I mean, he had that little remote and everything, but I have come to terms with that now and he is-, sorry, was a good man.

Then why did I... Oh you mean when- well, that wasn't me. You have footage? No, no you see, it's very easy to interpret sound and video footage wrongly, well known fact. Well, mister I've-been-doing-this-for-years, what you saw was in fact me... There was a speck on his shoulder and I, I, was trying to wipe it off. Yes. With my teeth, yes. How do you do it?
Well the speck isn't there now is it? Tsk, the imagination of this guy!

The pressure of your eyes is making my teeth hurt, new doctor. I have recognised that I am becoming stressed, and I request that we end this session. Yes, I am sure. You're welcome, new I Can See You Are Actually a Lady doctor. But uh, some... Someone needs to come in here and get me. I can't, you know, move very much, what with the whole- yes, the straps.

Ah, thank you, three of my seven friends. Yes, I'm ready for the door to open- slower! Slower than that. Thank you. You know what, I managed to get both of my hands free before you got in! SURPRI-

<The subject was relaxed at this point and the session terminated>